Never Been Interested

Our second episode begins with some kind of weird video selfie of Colton talking to his phone, aka us, the audience, shirtless— let’s assume he’s also naked since we know he’s not a big fan of underwear. He’s in bed telling us that he’s excited for the day. Above his head is some crookedly framed “art” piece that hangs strangely not centered on the bed leading me to have even more questions about Colton's accommodations. Where is he staying? And why? The tile work in that shower could be sexier, right? Knowing we’re gonna see him shower 4 times an episode now, I think they could have found a sexier bathroom...

Anyway- why are we using a “cellphone” and pretending we’re not on a TV show right now? Does the extensive work of a reality show camera crew not feel intimate enough? Now we need to believe that we’re watching Colton’s own home video? I guess it makes sense. After all, in a season that is EXCLUSIVELY centered on physical intimacy- this kind of extreme close-up feels just right. It sets the tone perfectly for what is to be a truly cringe-worthy 2 hours of television.

We begin in the Bachelor Mansion where the women are freshly contoured and ready to be addressed by their benevolent (no longer ironic) father-figure, Chris Harrison. Chris reminds the girls that in this situation, “time is everything”. (Says the man who forced us to watch a 3 HOUR PREMIERE last week!!!)

The first group date takes half the sister wives to a theatre in LA (theatre is HUGE in LA, for those who’ve never been) where they are met by the truly enchanting and perfectly pervy Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally. I am so jealous of celebrities who love this show so much that they parlay their way on to it. The date features an opportunity for the women to each tell a story surrounding a “first” for them. HOW AM I SO SICK OF THE VIRGIN STORYLINE AND IT’S ONLY THE SECOND EPISODE?

I noticed the face I was making while watching the women tell their stories is the same face I used to make while babysitting young children when they would share stories starting with “When I was a baby…”. These girls are young. I know I’m getting older, but these girls are YOUNG. Remember when baby Bekah being 22 was a scandalous plot point on Arie’s season? These girls are on average 23, with a couple outlying “cougars” coming in at 30, and 31 respectively.

You can argue they’re young because Colton’s young and that’s fair. You can also argue that Colton shouldn’t be the Bachelor. 26 in boy-years is like 19 in girl-years on average, scientists tell me. And he’s also, you know, really, deeply afraid of physical intimacy. But I digress...

Demi is established as our new villain du jour and Tracey is spiraling “because of Demi” but really because she cray. When Tracey got really upset that Demi picked up the group date rose she earned her new nickname, Cogsworth. Cogsworth, as you’ll remember, was really the main enforcer of the "you must not go to the West Wing" clause at the castle. So yeah, Tracey is now Cogsworth aka Cogz. And I'm gonna work on making references that are not Beauty and the Beast related.

The evening portion of the group date was so boring that I wrote down “coffee table”, meaning I liked the big table they sat around at the end. That was the highlight for me. I forgot who got the group date rose, I’m sure she’s nice.

Next comes the single most awkward one on one date in Bachelor Herstory. It starts off well with Colton asking Roll Tide Hannah if she “has ever seen rock formations like this?”. She responds by saying, “yeah it’s like Arizona-ish, right?”. How could this date go wrong?

Colton makes a toast (in a hot tub in the desert, naturally) and asks Other Hannah to make one as well. She is so thoroughly spooked she can barely speak. I feel bad for her. Then I feel real angry when she tells Colton a story apologizing for having had sex with a previous boyfriend. She says she wishes she could have held on to her virginity too because it’s such a special thing. THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW IS MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELOR.

(PS that's a cake that came up when I searched for "sexy cake")

Because Other Hannah is doing her best “Ariel when Ursula steals her voice impression”, it looks like Colton will be letting her go. However, during their dinner on a roof or an aircraft carrier (I don’t remember/care) she manages to speak a few continuous sentences and Colton keeps her around.

Next group date sends the other half of sister-wives on a camping trip. Billy Eichner joins them and makes the show 1000x better. Now, I’m not going to belabor this much because it’s not my place to speculate on Colton’s sexuality— however— are they not messing with us? Colton is a 26 year old “not a virgin for religious reasons" and he has on not one, but TWO GAY ICONS in the same episode? Megan Mullaly AND Billy Eichner? Also- did Colton ever look happier throughout the whole episode than when he was chatting with Billy? I think not.

The women compete against each other and no one acknowledges why the yellow team wears these really dumb skirts. Red team wins and stays the night. This date actually looked fun- minus wearing those 80s gym shorts that eat everyone’s butts. That being said, the girls all look amazing. It’s almost like they were selected to be on this show because they’re all preternaturally gorgeous, or something.

The girl who’s never been kissed tells Colton that she’s never been kissed and is also a virgin. That was an important distinction because you never know there could have been some Julia Roberts “I don’t kiss on the mouth” from Pretty Woman scenario going on. Anyway, her story isn’t nearly that interesting. Or is it? She’s never been kissed, ever? Not even a kiss from those scarring kissing games from middle school that temporarily lead you to believe that you’re a-sexual and don’t like kissing?

Colton thanks her for sharing her story- what else is he gonna do??? Doesn’t kiss her, (duh!) and gives her the group date rose. This will not end well for her.

Finally we have the rose ceremony with more antics including a fog horn, banging on pots and pans, a little Corinne-insired robe-gate moment from Demi, and Cogz (this time in Belle yellow) having another breakdown.

Colton send home women I didn’t know yet and Tracey stays on another week to be eaten alive by Demi. Maybe cougars aren't the most threatening animal in the jungle...

Till next week!