Ok, here’s the truth, the actual truth: I really don’t have much to say about this Men Tell All. You know it’s gonna be a rough night when Chris Harrison leads with a 25-minute Bachelor in Paradise “teaser” and then tells the audience excitedly that “David and Jordan are here!”
(That being said, I cannot wait for BIP and I appreciated the lengthy trailer.)
I’ll just mention a few observations from the evening and we can go about our lives like none of this ever happened- FYI that’s my game plan if Garrett “wins” this thing. I will be searching for the nearest Will Smith and/or Tommy Lee Jones lookalike to blast my mind with one of those Men In Black erasure things.
Let’s all self-soothe for a second and talk about Jason. Jason was looking fine. I mean fine as in "yummy", not fine as in "this episode is fine". His hair is clearly on a transitional path towards maximum hotness. Less hair, less hair gel, less Shia Labeouf giving you 90s hockey player and more Milo Ventimiglia.
Moving on to the opposite end of the decorum spectrum— we have Connor aka Bitter Bouffie who went with the glasses look again tonight. This kid is single handedly dismantling the heretofore undisputed notion that wearing glasses makes you appear more intelligent.
Our next weirdo in this merry band of misfits is Chris the two-week villain. Chris managed to make even stranger grooming choices, this time opting for a simultaneous John Waters mustache and beard combo. Did someone buy Chris a new electric shave kit as a consolation prize for being a huge disaster on national TV? Because Chris’ hair/beard has so many different fades it’s starting to look like a paint by numbers job.
Jean Blanc takes his time in the spotlight to degrade himself and Colton, calling Colton a p**** who’s never even f***** one. (I think that's what he said?) But I’m not worried about Jean Blanc. There’s certainly a place for him somewhere. Perhaps he could submit his resume to the White House? Seems like a good fit.
Jordan came back and shared with America some new vocabulary words he learned during his off-time being a Florida-based model, like “hologram”, as in “David is a hologram of a man”. And “billboard” as in, “they’re making billboards of me in their minds”. (Yeah, no, I’m not clear on what that means, either.)
Finally Grocery Joe gets his much deserved time in the spotlight. Grocery Joe seems like a totally normal guy. Now it makes sense why he didn’t make it past night one. This show is for sociopaths and Jason only! (And Blake, of course. How is Blake? I really need him to be ok.)
We heard yet still more from Colton about his VIRGINITY AND I JUST CAN’T ANYMORE WITH THIS STORYLINE. I felt like Colton spent the entire episode coming out of the closet. Or at least, I wish that had been what he was talking about, because otherwise the language and tone used to discuss this whole matter was INSANE. PUT YOUR PENIS WHERE YOU WANT (with consent), OR DON’T, I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE!
Also- I feel like subliminally the producers were wanting us to think that Colton was coming out- they kept panning to him at weird times, like when Chris Harrison kept talking about what a great kisser Jason was. It’s just too much. Or maybe, like Becca, I need to step away for a few hours to gather my thoughts about it.
Speaking of Becca, she finally makes an appearance. She looked tan and hot without going full Liza Minnelli and I’m feeling really #thankful for that.
Back to my dearest Jason. He is a class act. He misattributed Lin Manuel Miranda's famous “love is love is love” quote to Oprah, but in that moment, I believed that maybe I had had it wrong, and it was Oprah's quote all along. Because doesn’t everything in some way, always come back to Oprah?
One last thought: I am currently playing Babette in a summer stock production of Beauty and the Beast. Please, please, hush with the applause, you’re too kind. Seriously, sit down....
I mention it only because the parallels between Beauty and the Beast and The Bachelorette are plentiful. When Wills said to Becca that she “healed him”, it really came into focus for me. If we are to believe anything these guys say about their time on the show, it seems like it can be an emotionally draining, but heartening experience for them. The men are told from the beginning that they need to be “open and vulnerable and show their feelings”. They are encouraged- nay, forced to communicate in ways that they all say they “never have before”. Time after time the men on dates would tell Becca a personal story and then mention in an interview how even their closest friends didn't know about that part of their lives. It distills just how real toxic masculinity is. And if you’re wondering how that’s similar to Beauty and the Beast- I just described the plot for you. An animalistic, reactionary, private, aggressive man-beast is turned into a better man by learning to love and be loved by a woman he captured. AND he has to earn her love before the FINAL ROSE WILTS. Guys.
It’s the same show.