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Give Me All Of The Wood

Finally, it’s down to the final three and finally we’re in an exciting location- Thailand. Becca’s first date is with Blake. They do their usual hump and greet and begin the day. On today’s menu? A hike through a sacred area to see a Buddhist monk, because why not. However, the trail stipulates no kissing or touching so Becca and Blake are faced with the first real “obstacle” in their "journey".

Jk “they’ve only continued to take steps forward”. Cool.

Becca and Blake get some translated advice from the monk that basically boils down to, “don’t be an a-hole”. They’re both really moved by the experience and Becca shares her thoughts, exclaiming, “he was so wise—that was a real monk!” As Monique Heart says:

Blake is all of us when he shares that he is “in his head” as it’s so close to the end of the “process”. Presuming ones feelings are real, and short of being a sociopath, or Garrett, I guess— how could one be anything but “in their head” at this moment? I love Blake too much because his sweetness makes me realize just how MESSED UP this show is. They’re torturing these people.This is sick. What are we even doing?

The evening portion arrives and Becca and Blake walk romantically with an umbrella in the pouring rain. They talk more about their feelings and Becca reveals that she is superstitious and begins to knock on wood. Peaked with intensity she says, “give me all of the wood! Where is it?!” and the episode title for Fantasy Suite Week was found.

During this convo Blake says a line that will surely make it into the next Nicholas Sparks novel/movie/Disney ride when he says, “I’m the kind of man that looks for a reason to stay, not to go”. I MEANNNNNNN let’s just pour one out for that being one of the best lines EVER. I love Blake and if she breaks his heart I will join Blake’s mom in “driving down the mountain 3-4 times a week" to have dinner with him to make sure he’s ok.

Blake and Becca spend the night together and afterwards they show us this strange “morning after footage” that is so clearly staged it makes no sense. That or, Becca slept with a perfect full face of make up that did not smudge at all overnight.

Becca leaves to go on her date with Jason. Jason and Becca walk around the local market. This kind of date is the closest these outings get to replicating a real life scenario. Becca, overcome by the realization that this isn’t just one prolonged polyamorous vacation, says she “feels weird” and takes a break from Jason to collect herself. Jason is unaware of this “break” in the date since they regularly are interrupted by mid-date interviews. I've watched this show for 700 years and I continue to be surprised by how unnatural every aspect of the show is.

Similar to Becca, I too, just don’t really feel like continuing right now, but let’s try to power through this. Becca and Jason reunite for the evening portion of the date. Jason is totally on board the Becca train but doesn’t realize that he was escorted off the platform 4 hours ago. Becca breaks up with Jason and all of America is ready to be Jason’s shoulder to cry on. And by "shoulder to cry on" I mean, America is ready to submit their applications to be Jason's wife.

Becca feels torn up about her decision saying that she’s dated “so many terrible people” and that Jason is “such a good person”. It’s almost like….this… is… a… pattern…that has something to do with…. Becca? Just a thought.

Becca is Minnesota nice so she conflates breaking up with Jason with what Arie did to her. Not the same. Not even close. The only similarity being that Arie chose Lauren B over Becca, and Becca chose Garrett over Jason. Both get filed under:

Anyway, I love Jason. He was super classy about the whole thing and I think there’s a strong chance he will be The Bachelor. If only he had a few more minutes to cement what a great guy he is and how much he's ready for love now...

Onto Garrett’s date where Becca and Garrett float down a river and get splashed with water by locals. Garrett says he hopes the gesture meant “hello and good luck”. I hope the gesture meant “you need a lot of help learning how to communicate your thoughts and feelings and PLEASE NOTE THAT ‘alls’, as in ‘alls I want is for Becca and I to be together’, is NOT A WORD”!!!

Becca compares floating down the river to being in a relationship. I ask for the check for this season but we still have two more weeks left. Garrett and Becca talk about the future and Becca says how Arie wasn’t willing to compromise his lifestyle and that it was all about Arie. Garrett responds by saying, “what’s awesome about me is—“ but then finishes the sentence by saying that his job is flexible. And he's right. His job in “medical sales” will translate perfectly into selling “Tummy Tea” on Instagram.

The evening portion highlights more incredible romance when Garrett tells Becca that he loves her and he says “I hope you’re the last woman I have to say that to”. HAVE to say that to?? In that exact moment all of the women in America stopped planning their wedding to Jason and did this:

Doesn’t he mean GET to say that to? He makes it sound like saying "I love you" is a chore, or a necessary evil. Like laundry or flossing. Sadly, I think Garrett meant what he said. I think Garrett is the kind of guy who uses the word “love” like my parents let my brother and I have sugary breakfast cereals growing up. Once for Hanukkah, and once on our birthdays, that’s it.

Ok Becca and Garrett glamp in Thailand, staying in a treehouse. For those of you who listen to my podcast, (Support For This Podcast, available on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts) we just aired Season 2 Episode 1 that was about glamping. So for me, I felt really #seen and the synchronicity was much appreciated.

Garrett and Becca end their date the next morning with Becca skipping away from the treehouse with an umbrella like some kind of walk-of-no-shame Mary Poppins.

Meanwhile, surprise, Jason's back! Jason returns to talk to Becca once again and wears very tights pants and very sleek black boots. Alternative episode title: These Boots Were Made For Closure.

Jason gives Becca a scrapbook he made about their time together. I have a feeling he “made” that book in the two days he spent in Thailand post-breakup. And when he said he "made a book” I think he meant “the producers made a book” to help solidify his chances of being the Bachelor next year.

Becca is touched by the gesture and says that whoever ends up with Jason should treat him “like a king”. Interesting choice of words coming from Becca who is all about saying that she wants a 50-50 partner type of relationship. (You know, the good kind.) So, she probably doesn't want Jason to be treated like a king. Just ya know, treated as a person who deserves kindness and respect. So like, everybody? Except Jordan, I guess?

A definitely undramatic rose ceremony later, both Blake and Garrett are sticking around and Becca announces that they will finish this up in the Maldives. I have a feeling that Becca will choose Garrett and I feel sick just thinking about it. It’s like Bryan Abasolo all over again. But this time with a splash of bigotry. What fun!

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