Born To Shuck

Welcome to Episode Six where we learn that Virginia is for lovers. Did you guys know that? Because it is. It’s for LOVERS! LOVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aka the anti-Coltons of the world. Aka the anti- Skinny Perez Hiltons of the world. Not for virgins, not for fighters. IT’S. FOR. LOVERS!!!!

CAN WE MOVE ON? I’m really happy that a clever ad exec in the 1970s rejuvenated Virginia’s lacking tourism economy, but please, please give me liberty from hearing that phrase again, or give me death—because enough already! I'm talking to you, Governor Ralph Northam! (Though I would like the backstory on how that appearance came together.)

Ok, Becca is thrilled to be in Richmond, Virginia- calling it, “calm, chill, and historical”, giving me future inspiration for my tombstone.

Becca meets with Grandma Chris Harrison. Did anyone else get a grandma vibe from CH in that chair? Cause I did. Bring back, Harrison! Becca tells Chris that she's excited for this week and she can really see a future with a lot of these guy. Great news considering she’ll be sleeping with half of them in two more weeks. To be perfectly clear, I am FULLY in support of that. You don’t buy a couch before sitting on it, am I right, ladies???

Back at the house for Disturbed Boys- Chris, our newly crowned psycho-villain and Lincoln our trusty flat earther/sexual offender are having it out. The details are unimportant except that did Chris say he lost 100 pounds? And did Lincoln call him a “fat f*ck”? It’s not totally clear, but I do love the reaction shots of the other guys looking bewildered, wondering if they somehow stumbled onto the set of “Bad Girls Club”.

Jason gets the first one-on-one date. We learn on this date that Jason loves a cross necklace, (how perfect to go with Becca's cross tattoo!), has friends, and a very impressive side split. Remember when he danced with that Richmond Wiccan at the un-happy happy hour portion? Jason’s flexy, and I like it.

The night portion of this date involved some serious Sad Stories with Jason sharing a story about his Dad not being recognized by his mother suffering from Alzheimers. Becca shared her Sad Story about taking care of her sick Dad in his last days. It was legitimately very Sad and I’m not totally embarrassed to say that I shed a few #tears while watching.

Next we have the absurd “Beccalection Date” where Becca (in a bell bottomed pantsuit(!)) and the men meet “Abraham Lincoln” and “George Washington” and then “debate” each other for Becca’s hand. Most of the men behave themselves except Chris and Lincoln. Chris curses in front of children, talks about being body shamed, and wears a gigantic orange pocket square. Becca looks horrified and she should be. That pocket square was horrific. HOWEVER- the content of this debate was still more appropriate than the 2015 debates where actual politicians discussed their penis size. So… Happy 4th everyone.

All of Skinny Perez Hilton's narration in this episode was coockoo crazy, but what struck me most what how militarized it was. He referred to this as his “redemption week”, and that he was coming in “guns blazing”, with his “back against the wall”, and he would end “victorious”. This dude has never been in a relationship. Can we assume that? You don’t “win” relationships. If you and your partner get into a fight, no one wins. Ever. Even the person who’s right. As my homegirl Esther Perel says, “you can be right or you can be married”.

Onto the evening portion of the date where the men meet Becca at a haunted house. It’s been too long since we had a haunted location, and I appreciate it. Remember Nick Viall’s season on that plantation??? Really leaning into that Southern Gothic thing, aren’t we location scouts? I think the South is always scary, so put up whatever paintings you want, I’ll believe anything south of Delaware is invariably tainted by the ghosts of human misery.

Everyone clinks their dirty martini glasses together (since when are they allowed to drink anything but wine 24/7 on this show?) and the hot mess parade begins. Lincoln tells Becca he and Connor feel physically threatened by Chris. Pretty rich considering Lincoln in that moment was awaiting a verdict in his own assault case. Becca tells Chris what Lincoln said, and Chris reacts in the only way Chris knows how to- in the most annoying, strange, combative way possible. Afterwards, Garrett is ready to read Becca his grocery list of positive adjectives, but Becca can’t hear them quite yet. She needs to take some time to regroup and ask the producers what she did to deserve these ding dongs.

Garrett, rebuffed, returns to the men and gives Frick and Frack a talking-to. He tells them that, “I was going to open up tonight!” and that the men need to “clean it up”. I can’t like Garrett, but give me a subdued Coach Taylor style talking-to, and I’m there.

Becca comes around to phase 3 of her now routine 5 step “emotional journey” and finds a way to move on from the “drama” momentarily to smooch Colton and Wills. Can we talk about Wills for a sec? I like him, but does he not look he's almost entirely asleep all the time? Wake up, cutie! Colton gets the rose, Connor disproves my theory about how glasses make people look smart, and Chris somehow thinks he will eventually “win” Becca.

Now the date no one expected, but everyone needed: Leo’s “Born To Shuck” date with Becca. Becca shows up in phase 4 of her “emotional journey”- the one where she is once again “tired of the drama”.

Quick word on this: Becca, babe, you gotta buck up. You’re the boss! If you have bad convos with idiotic men, SEND THEM HOME. Or if the producers won’t let you yet, then pretend to care, start a countdown clock and know that pretty soon you won’t have to deal with them anymore. There’s never been a better way to have a “fight” with someone in the history of people having "fights". You are the Love Dictator. You don’t like them? Smile, walk away, and make that motion with your hand to your neck. That’s what I would do. I would do it every single day I could. Even up until the final two. This show is absurd, you are the only one with ANY control. Use it! Live it up!

Ok, back to Leo. Leo has gorgeous man hair. Some of the most beautiful man hair I’ve ever seen. And he knows how to work it. Jonathan from Queer Eye studied Leo as he grew his hair out. That’s a fact. Not something I just made up for emphasis. Also- can we talk about low-bun Leo??? He is an ICON, and I won't hear otherwise.

Leo seems disconcertingly normal. He says knows he has a bold look and can appear to be a “caricature” of a person. I don’t have time to speculate about what that all means to Leo, but there’s some interesting stuff going on. Leo gets Becca to Phase 5, i.e. “forgetting about the drama”, and they have fun shucking oysters(!) and eating in a giant empty hangar. Leo shares his Sad Story about disappointing his dad by not playing professional baseball, and Becca appreciates his honesty and openness. Leo also says that he’s never told anyone that story before. Please pre-order my new book, “What We Talk About When We Don’t: The Dangers of Toxic Masculinity As Viewed On Season 14 Of The Bachelorette”.

Becca gives Leo the rose and forces him to dance with her in front of people while listening to another music “star” I’ve never heard of. Also this country singer was singing about “taking the subway” and “kissing in the back of a cab”. Stay in your lane, country singer! We’ll sing about Pizza Rat, you sing about pick-up trucks.

Meanwhile, Chris is writing a letter with some amazingly villainous underscoring. Leo gets home and Chris goes to Becca’s apartment in a totally not creepy way. Becca is Minnesota-nice while greeting him. I would have said “NOPE!” and closed the door, but I’m from Philadelphia, so…

Chris basically says “I” and “me” at Becca for 45 minutes and finally the producers let Becca know that she can send him on his way. Chris refuses to be “walked out”, but not being “walked out” is a felony in Minnesota, so Becca walks him out anyway.

Becca describes Chris as a guy she doesn’t want in her life “ever”. America rejoices.

The rose ceremony comes and despite the producers’ best efforts, it is no surprise at all that Connor aka “Bitter Bouffie”and Lincoln the "earth offender" (let’s combine it, shall we?) are bid goodbye. Lincoln doesn’t even get a goodbye package which I have to believe is because of some retroactive editing.

And now we are somehow already down to six guys! Leo and his delicious curls are Bahama bound. Let’s see how the humidity and emotional manipulation effect our remaining guys and Leo's low-bun glory.