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On Breaking Hearts and Wrists

Let me begin by “opening up” and “breaking down my walls” by sharing that my proclivity for genealogy shows almost destroyed this episode for me. In an almost too ironic twist, my DVR prioritized “Who Do You Think You Are” over The Bachelorette. Irony being, if my DVR knew me at all, it would know that The Bachelorette ALWAYS takes precedence. Bottom line— I missed the first half-hour and the last 10 minutes and had to watch both on this afternoon. But, like Colton's virginity, I'm intact!

(A bad person after that joke.)

We begin where we left off- David the Venture Capitalist/Chicken vs Jordan the human(?)/model. It's a petty rivalry, but David seems to have the upper hand. You could say David really nose what he doing… (See what I did there? That’s called foreshadowing…)

Moving on.. it’s group date time. We cut to Becca arbitrarily adjusting trays of food she did not prepare in a hotel room that doesn’t have a kitchen. Becca’s BFFs from Arie’s season join her and we begin to address Tia-gate round 1. Then the fellas arrive, greeted by Becca already outfitted in her spa robe. I personally would have advised Becca NOT to wear a robe in the day time surrounded by lots of people, but she asked her five best sister-wives to join her on the date, and not me. (Why no robes? Because in 2018 when you read the word “robe”, odds are it’s gonna get bad, fast.) But I digress.. Becca introduces all of the men to all of the women and we watch Colton’s face morph into one of the shamed dogs photos.

As Becca is introducing the men, she (along with America), forgets "Jason’s" name. And we thought Tia was the only relatable one. Don’t feel bad, Becca, NOBODY knew his name. I didn’t know it, and I… write… this…

Now we move to a montage from HGTV’s newest co-production with ABC entitled, “Tiny Homes: Spa Day”. Why was that room SO SMALL? And WINDOWLESS???

The guys massage the girls with the sensuality of a show-choir warm up. Everyone turn to your left and barely touch the person next to you because you’re terrified of your own body! We learn that Jean Blanc packed his own head-scratcher, and that Jason AKA “Who?” seems pretty nice and normal. Meanwhile, Jordan describes his behavior in the spa/closet as being, “like a surgeon”. But HOW, though? This analogy, like most everything Jordan says, is:

Speaking of Jordan speaking, at the evening portion of the date we watch Jordan get roasted by all of the guys, captained by David, as they help Jordan understand that his claim of having “4,000 Tinder matches” might not have the intended effect. Is it a positive reflection of his desirability? Sure. But maybe more so, it's an indication that he spends an incredible amount of time on Tinder. Kinda like bragging that you won your Fantasy Ice Hockey League in high school. For more info on what that's like, please contact my brother who doesn’t read this!

Jordan gets mad that the guys are questioning him, especially David, and so he calls David the “skeleton of a man”. Jordan speaks like a robot from the future who’s pretending to be human. I believe the expression he's looking for is that David is a “shell of a man”? The skeleton of a man is a pretty integral part, no? It’s the foundation that everything else hangs on, right? Whatever-- I can only quote Jordan so much in an episode because it’s all so mind numbingly stupid I worry that it’s contagious.

Colton and Becca talk again. Their conversation is simultaneously boring and convoluted. What you need to know is this: Colton + Becca - Tia = right reasons. Colton gets the rose.

Speaking of non-drama drama- welcome to Chris's two-on-one date with Becca and Martin Short as Richard Marx. Oh, and I think Chris looks like skinny Perez Hilton. Sorry but you won't be able to unsee this:

With Becca dressed as Rocker Barbie, they’re instructed to write a love song for each other which is totally normal and cool as a first date activity. (It's not.)

HOWEVER- it would be, IF they understood the conditional tense!!! Get some Oscar Hammerstein up in here, am I right?? “People Will Say We’re in Love”, “If I Loved You”. How about some Lerner and Loewe with, “Almost Like Being in Love”? Take that, people who say a BFA in musical theatre isn’t useful!

Anyway, Chris freaks out and tells our first Sad Story of the season about writing a letter to his deadbeat Dad and never hearing back. That’s sad. But, also only barely relevant. Eventually, shockingly(!) Chris overcomes his fear and he shares his song.

(The episode is briefly interrupted by President Frick and Supreme Leader Frack.)

...and we’re back..

That same night, Chris adds a quick addendum to his Sad Story, saying that the story he shared with Becca about his Dad is something that not even his best friends know about because #toxicmasculinity. Becca and Chris kiss in a big room with a giant carpet while Martin Short serenades them. Chris gets a rose.

Speaking of, “wherever you are, whatever you do, I’ll be right here waiting for you”- our ever faithful host Chris Harrison shares some unfortunate news with Becca the next day: David fell out of his bunk bed onto his face and is in the ICU. This whole section made me realize what a terrible person I am. I was so excited for the ambulance moment AND THEN I was disappointed that it wasn’t caused by a physical altercation. Hey, let’s ask Richard Marx to help me write my new vulnerable pop song titled, “I’m A Monster".

Ok so David suffers a gnarly accident and Jordan is on-camera saying how often times people get hurt when they mess with him, and that he has conversations with god and “god knows to 86 people" if he doesn’t like them. That’s a pretty dark thing to say. I’m guessing that after David fell the producers ran to get some scary quotes from Jordan to make it seem like he said those things before he fell. That, or Jordan is actually a monster. I could see it either way.

Can we move on to something less violent, like football? Becca clearly has a thing for football players and jocks in general, so we have yet another sports date that I would like to call, “Clay’s 2019 Bachelor Audition”. What doesn’t Clay do during this date to make him stand out as utterly adorable? He pumps up his team with a considerate cheer about how, “when we win we’ll get to hang out with Becca afterwards”, he lays back and lets the guys have fun playing, and then when he’s finally tired of losing, spends the last 3 minutes of the game utterly dominating and showing off his athletic prowess. On the opposite end of the decency spectrum, in a bit of foreshadowing, Garrett is the captain of the WHITE team. Mhhhmmm.

We all know what happens next, Clay gets injured and misses the beginning of the evening date. Becca wears yet another ROBE- this time short, grey, and velvet. I still don’t approve of people in power positions wearing robes outside of the house, but ok. Clay eventually appears, shares a steamy kiss with Becca, captures America’s heart, and gets the rose.

What feels like 14 hours later we get to the pre-rose ceremony. Connor of “destroying the picture” fame takes Becca outside to “show her how to play baseball”. Sorry, but did they not have Title 9 where Connor grew up? Pretttttty sure Becca’s familiar with BASEBALL. Becca is from the heartland and she certainly doesn’t need Bitter Bouffie grinding up behind her telling her that the key to a good swing is “all in her hips”. Yugh. I still hate this guy.

And then the news that nobody wanted, but everyone knew was coming. Clay has to leave the mansion to heal his wrist. Becca looks bummed and she should be. Clay seemed like an actual sweet heart. I miss him already.

But perhaps Clay will return as the Bachelor? After all, there’s nothing that unites America more these days than bi-racial football players!



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