We'll Always Have Paris

And on the sixth week, the Lord created a delightful Parisian episode of The Bachelor, and they were glad.

We open in Paris, where the ladies are dressed and ready to take the city by storm. Or, in this case, by riverboat. Tia remarks on how “Parisian” the boat looks. It doesn’t look Parisian. From what we can see, it's an empty bar with pops of black, white, and red furniture. That's not Parisian looking at all. That's a physicalized set-up for one of those,"what's black, white and "read" all over...." jokes. Answer: NOTHING BECAUSE WE'RE IN PARIS AND FRENCH PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOUR STUPID AMERICAN JOKES, JESSICA. Oh my gosh, I'm sorry. Moving on..

Lauren B. Volume II is selected for the first one-on-one date of the episode. (Not to be confused with previous winner Lauren B Volume 1)

Arie and Lauren look lovely together as they stroll the City of Love arm in arm. When passing a man selling wheels of cheese at a farmer's market, Arie remarks on how similar Scottsdale is to Paris. “Wow,” Lauren B responds. My sentiments exactly.

Speaking of Lauren B not speaking… This whole date reminded me of The Little Mermaid where Ariel has forsaken her voice for the chance to walk on land with Prince Eric. Girlllll you gotta use your words, and FAST! Lucky for Lauren, Arie is so taken with her calm demeanor and elegant future Instagram model countenance that he doesn't mind prying the conversation out of Lauren like a mechanic working deep inside an old car's failed engine-- wait a minute I figured it out!

All snark aside, I thought it was pretty sweet how patient and forthcoming Arie was with Lauren B Volume II. He shared his very dramatic Sad Story concerning the end of his relationship with La baby momma- and it’s such a devastating story that I'm shocked we didn’t hear it during Emily’s season. Maybe it was a giant lie to make Lauren B feel safe? I don’t actually care either way because it was Dramatic and lord knows we need some Krystal-free intrigue this season.

Lauren eventually does kind of, sort of, eventually, “open up” (GOD I HATE THAT PHRASE) to Arie, revealing that her last relationship ended with a broken engagement. Is Arie Lauren’s rebound? She’s only 25, but she is from Dallas, so in Texas years that makes her closer to 35. Maybe she's desperate to lock this down before it's too late for her. Arie, generously doesn't care at all about age- assuming you were born after 1990.

Lastly, I liked when Arie reassuringly said “it’s ok, it’s our first date.” How reasonable and refreshingly honest of him. EXCEPT basically what he said is FORBIDDEN on this show! We’re at “about to fall in love o’clock” here- there is no room for acknowledging how these people truly, barely know each other. Oh Arie, you need to be bent over and smacked until your behind is Moulin Rouge.

What’s that? The sloppiest transition you’ve ever heard? I don’t care because Come What May- we’re moving on to the group date at Le Moulin Rouge!

Now, this date was generally fun, but I think we missed out on one key element- I guarantee you that those French Moulin Rouge dancers were saying some of the meanest, French-est stuff imaginable about the girls and Arie. What I would give to hear some of that. I’m picturing something like,

“Zey are all fighteeeng over zat man zere? But ‘e isso how you say, boreeeng? Dull? ‘E looks like the guy from Dumb and Dumberre, non?” (Check Amazon soon for my forthcoming fan fiction novel.)

Ok, the girls do their best walking/dancing. Seieieieinne is actually a dancer and doesn’t have a total breakdown, so that’s a first for these types of events. Eventually, the ladies dressed up like french showgirls and show off their moves to Arie and the French director. Relatable Tia who previously bemoaned the amount of French Tush on display, ends up looking like a bedazzled Turkey. I love this show so much.

The French director picks Bekah because she’s adorable and as we've already established looks like Meg Ryan in French Kiss. And French Kiss is France's favorite movie because, America. Meanwhile, Chelsea is feeling threatened by the youth. Say what you will about a Mother’s Intuition, but Chelsea has it.

The group date ends with the women having to watch Arie onstage with Bekah. They're all miserable watching the performance. They say it’s because it’s so painful to watch Bekah with "their man". However, I think what they’re actually experiencing is a guttural understanding that the guy they’re all so obsessed with is a total dope. I’m not saying he’s not lovable in his own way, but the dude legit looks like Harry Dunne with a cape lipsynching for his LIIIIIIFE. So, yeah. That would be hard to confront, as well as any possible jealousy.

Let’s move on to the dreaded (and accurately predicted by me!!) two-on-one date starring Arie, Kendall, and The Dark Krystal.

(NBD that movie was TERRFIYING to watch as a kid and NBD I re-watched the trailer and it's still scary af)

Ok, the date starts off well enough- Krystal is wearing her lucky crushed velvet bodysuit and Kendall is wearing the 90s sundress I wore in my 6th grade yearbook picture.

The three of them toast using yet more fantastic glassware (thanks, Paris) and the women are made to walk through a literal maze in search of Arie.

In her one-on-one time with Arie, Krystal picks up the Little Mermaid vibes I mentioned earlier, but this time as Ursula. Basically, she's an evil underwater sorceress pretending to be a real girl, and Arie has a hypnotized look on his face. Truthfully, I think Arie was ready to send Krystal back under the sea last week, but he does his best to seem interested in keeping her around, and gives her one last make out session to complete the illusion.

Kendall and Arie talk blah blah blah and then one of the strangest, most amazing interactions between two women on this show takes place. Basically-- and I'm still trying to understand this myself-- Kendall tries to *murder* Krystal with *kindness* and it *almost* works. At one point, it looks like Kendall is going to lean in and kiss Krystal, which I would have been totally down for. But instead she says how she knows Krystal has been through so much, so so so much, and then she ends with, “you’re imperfect and not amazing”.

Krystal responds for all of America when she says, “I don’t have words”. Then she, along with America, slurps her wine and awaits her fate.

Fortunately for America, Arie just can’t make up his mind between Obviously Coockoo Crazy and Also Crazy But Nice and so we move on to “dinner”. Krystal wears a white bandage/x-ray dress on TV and looks amazing. So yeah, she might be 100% insane, but she’s also 100% great at diet/exercise because she looks incredible.

Workout much?

Kendall and Arie have one last convo that we don't see (maybe they went back to talking about hypothetical cannabilism and ABC was like “nahhhh we’re good”).

And then.... Arie finally breaks up with The Dark Krystal.

Since they’re in an urban setting they can’t desert Krystal on an island or in the woods, but having her look out the window as Arie and Kendall theoretically arrive at the top of the Eiffel Tower is pretty next level as far as two-on-one humiliation scenarios are concerned. The best for the best.

With Krystal gone we can focus on the final one-on-one date with Arie and Jacqueline. Aka who? Aka oh right, the brunette girl who almost drank her own pee. Ok, that horrific moment withstanding, Jacqueline seems sweet. Sweet and scared and maybe wasted during the entire date? I got a bit of a drunk vibe, but maybe that’s just me. Anyway- even with a buzz, Jacqueline has no chill. She appears refreshingly awkward on a show that typically edits that away from people after week 2. (Hi Annaliese!)

Arie likes her even though he knows he’s too dumb for her. Also- this whole issue with them- because you know it’s going to come up again- about how Jacqueline might have to choose between her PhD and Arie? Do they not have PhD programs in Scottsdale? I’m sure she could find a retired professor to study with. My Dad’s a retired professor and he loves Scottsdale! I’m just saying- their “conflict” isn’t really a conflict. Unless it is- in which case, hasta la vista* Jacqi!

*Bekah still wouldn't get that reference- unless maybe they played Terminator II back on the weed farm!

We end with yet another rose ceremony. In a bit of a surprise, Chelsea goes home. She could see the writing (in crayon) on the wall. Bye Chelsea, I hope you find a lovely, but not too wealthy man to share your life with. Also, Jenna went home. I had to check and see who else went home because I had already forgotten her. If Jenna were to stick around I would have nicknamed her “Elliptical” because she is low impact.

This thing on?

Lastly- WHAT WAS TIA WEARING AT THE ROSE CEREMONY? Who hates her? Whose sparkly black jumpsuit was that and why did they Mean Girls-style tell Tia she looked, “soooo amazing in it”. I’m concerned someone from wardrobe was mad at Tia, and whatever the dispute I would like it to end because I love me some Relatable Tia. She is the voice of the people, and I need her to stay in ArieLand as long as possible.

Luckily for us- Tia will be sticking around as we go next week to Tuscany. It's no South Lake Tahoe- but it'll do!