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Krystal Meh

January 25, 2018

We may have travelled to SOUTH Lake Tahoe on Episode 4 of The Bachelor this week, but the real place we all journeyed to—willingly or not— was inside the fractured chaotic carnival show that is Krystal’s mind. Welcome everyone to the closed down circus, to the rollercoaster in the dark, to the Alice In Wonderland style dysmorphia taking place inside our girl Krystal's beautifully coiffed head.

 

 

I’m not a mental health expert, but I think Krystal has a bit of what we call Ye Olde Psychological projection: "A theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others." (That's from wikipedia, thanks.)

 

 

But we’ll circle back to this later. Let’s get started with the episode. As announced, Arie is taking the girls to SOUTH Lake Tahoe. Why they couldn’t just say Lake Tahoe, we’ll never know, but they’re going.

 

We meet Arie sans sister-wives as he shoots his new Cialis commercial. Just kidding, he’s not shooting a Cialis commercial (yet). But he is basking in the glow of the Nevada sun, casually revealing his fresh spray tan. Nice to know that my makeup issues were heard (retroactively).

 

Arie picks over-qualified Seinne for his first one-on-one date. Obviously there must be something slightly off about Seinne for her to agree to go on this show in the first place, but even that character-flaw withstanding, she is lovely and smart and Arie is lucky to go on a date with her. They go parasailing together and Seinne is forced to go on-camera and explain how parasailing with Arie is a Metaphor for Love. Take that analysis, Yale!

 

 

Meanwhile the girls watch from their Kendall-approved taxidermy mansion and stare out into the distance using binoculars. One of the girls exclaims, “This tree looks so close!”. I don’t know who said it, but I’m guessing it was someone named Lauren. (That’s called a statistical advantage, everyone. And yeah, I went to Yale, too.*) 

 

*No, I didn’t. 

 

Back to Arie and Seinne getting to know each other on some beach in SOUTH Lake Tahoe: Arie says that even though he was only able to spend "10 seconds" with Seinne on the first night, that it felt like “5 minutes”. WOW That’s so much time that this date suddenly feels redundant. The nice thing about Arie and Seinne together is that if Arie were reading this, Seinne could explain to him what the word “redundant” means. Also- both of their names have gratuitous vowels. And, bonus round, Seinne could explain what "gratuitous" means.

 

Back to the TaHome where Maquel aka Narnia finds out that her grandfather has passed away. She packs her bag (including her 3 dead roses- why???) and heads home through the upstairs closet.

 

 

Over yet another uneaten meal, Ariieieieie and Seieeieieiene get to know each other. We learn that Seinne loves her parents, has a flexible back, and grew up not seeing many love stories with girls who looked like her. To the people who say, "yeah but Rachel was last season?!", I say let's do better. And furthermore, is it a love story if you end up with Bryan? Debatable. 

 

 

Now we’re onto the most upsetting group date in history. The girls (all outfitted in eerily similar hiking looks) meet Arie in the woods of SOUTH Lake Tahoe where they meet Mr. and Mrs. “I’ve been in a lot of wars”. Ok, cool. This next part was disgusting, but way more disturbing than it was disgusting. And it’s prrreeettttttyyyy disgusting to drink your own pee pee. Also- I've watched my fair share of Naked And Afraid and that's not really anybody's first move.

Let’s go through what I hated the most: 1. Arie drinking what I thought in the moment was actual pee. 2. Jacqueline being VERY VERY ready to drink her own pee. 3. All of the girls actually peeing into a travel mug. Women can do anything and everything, but one thing we’re not great at is peeing into small containers with any kind of accuracy. So, like, shame on everyone. There’s also a great recap on Vulture describing this moment as well. 

 

Ok, what else, some of the girls eat worms because they want to? Or, they think that doing so will impress Arie? Don’t get it, don’t want to. Then they split up into teams to make it to the hot tub place. Why weren’t we just there the whole time? Did anyone want or need that Donner Party Extravaganza because I assure you I did not. 

 

But since we’re not allowed to have nice things-- like drama-free group hot tub sessions-- Krystal starts to spin out because Tia and Caroline make a joke about Arie having his arm around her. This just adds one more log to the proverbial fire inside Krystal’s mind. OUTDOORSY METAPHOR +10 POINTS!

 

Fast forward to nighttime- Kendall tells Arie that she wants to be the kind of old couple that spanks each other’s butts, and that she’s always wanted to eat a bunch of bugs. MARRY HER! Arie describes her as “corky”. I believe that’s Arie for “quirky”.

 

Ok, so Krystal has spent the entire day projecting- saying that the girls are all unnecessarily competitive and desperate, that they don’t see reality, and that everyone’s name is Krystal and everyone works as a fitness coach and everyone wears very sparkly pink lipgloss. Oh wait, that’s JUST KRYSTAL. We get it. Tia and Caroline get it. Krystal does not.

 

Finally, our unseated villain Chelsea imitates Krystal’s voice and all is right with the world. Tia and Caroline get into it with Krystal. Caroline calls her “ingenuine” which is Arie for “disingenuous”. Tia talks to Arie, she’s cool, she gets the rose, let’s move on.

 

Now it’s the pervy moment we’ve all been waiting for- Baby Bekah’s date with Arie The Earnest! They ride horses? I don’t even remember, let’s get to the part where Bekah reveals her age. Now, the editors spent the majority of the episode laying the groundwork that once Arie discovered that Bekah was only 22, that it would be “hasta la vista, baby!”

 

Sidenote: Bekah wouldn’t get that reference because it’s from Terminator 2 which came out in 1991, a full 4 years before Bekah was BORN.

 

 

One other note about the age-related speculation- most of the girls in the house are AT LEAST 7 years younger than Arie. Maybe they shouldn't throw stones from 20-something glass houses.

 

1500 “likes” later, as in, “Like, I like you, but I’m like 36.” And, “I know, and like, I like come from a family of  people who like get married young, so...” Arie and Bekah decide to throw caution to the wind and continue their relationship. In the cold light of day I think Arie will eventually foresee a decade of 20-something birthday parties and run for the hills (of SOUTH Lake Tahoe). Time will tell… you that you shouldn’t marry someone 14 years younger than you when the younger person’s brain isn’t even fully formed yet. PS That happens at 25, y’all.

Onto the rose ceremony where Arie forgoes the cocktail party to get rid of the girls faster, but the girls are not happy 'bout it. In my notes I have the quote, “shocked and dismayed is a gross understatement”. Don't know who said it, but high drama here, folks.

 

Krystal can’t quiet the demons long enough to get a rose the old-fashioned way, so she asks to take Arie aside and whisper at him for an additional 5 minutes. Silly Krystal, she was safe all along. With her kind of manic disposition she will surely not be eliminated until the two-on-one date where she is inevitably left alone in some inhospitable landscape. A deserted island, a wooded forest, or perhaps an empty carnival. How's that for projection?

 

 

 

PS here is some lovely fan art by the charming and talented Vella Lovell! And if you'd like to send fan art of your own please send it to @roserecaps aka Rosé Alldé on Twitter!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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