Mondays Are For The Boys

The “Men Tell All” episode. Here we are folks. The penultimate episode is upon us. This part of the season feels like the “finish your dinner before you have dessert” portion. Fine! Let’s do this.

Chris Harrison welcomes everyone and makes a joke about how there was so much fighting and testosterone in the house this season, that they should have asked for extra security for tonight’s reunion. I can just picture Anthony pulling Chris Harrison aside after the taping to inform him that he too, is guilty of “invisible racism", because he is.

Let's begin with the facts first- I don't think that the men this season seemed particularly rowdy or prone to violence at all. In fact, aside from Lee, they seemed to all really like each other. Furthermore, have we forgotten about the season of CHAD? He threatened to KILL people on the show and physically assaulted a cast member. So. That's just the truth.

For Chris Harrison to make a joke about "added security" for this specific season, where we already had a “teachable moment” with Will and Lee and the word "aggressive" on the show- for Chris Harrison to make that "joke" is thoughtless and offensive. WE CAN DO BETTER.

After Chris's (I have to believe accidentally) offensive opening we move to a “most memorable” segment. Good thing we got to see that super awkward moment when they put Chris Harrison’s face on the ultrasound of Ashley and JP’s baby AGAIN. Chris cuckolded JP! Hilarious!

Let’s do a quick highlight reel of our own from this episode:

1) Adam finally proves his worth by using the phrase, “Wa-BYE”, in reference to Whaboom. Why didn’t I think of that???! (Still not sure who Adam is, but thanks for coming through in the end!)

2) Why isn’t DeMario wearing a jacket? Oh, I know. He wanted to stand out. I have to believe DeMario just graduated from the school of Say Insanely Dumb Things So They Can’t Edit You Out Academy. How else could he have mentioned "sidechicks", “ocular facts”, and Bill Clinton in his 5 minutes of special time. Oh, DeMario.

3) Iggy wearing glasses, a necklace over his suit, and topping it off with a pinky ring. Someone described Anthony Scaramucci as a human pinky-ring, and find that to be an astute observation. It’s also clarified for me how much I dislike pinky rings. What are they good for?

4) Will looking like he did 50 push-ups right before putting his suit on. Plus, he was wearing his suit with sneakers. Kids these days! I love Will. I missed him. And his voice is super resonant. He should do voiceover work. Will, if you’re reading this, please call me- I mean, find a voiceover agent.

5) Ok, now if we must, it’s time to venture once more into the mess that is Lee. This whole segment was really the closest thing we’ll come to catharsis here. Chris Harrison kind of put Lee in the hot seat by reading his tweets and letting Lee’s own words make the case against him. But I found the other guys’ responses to be the most impactful of the evening. I don’t want to get into all the details of it because other people online have already done a better job. Lee didn’t deserve the kindness and patience and respect that the other men showed him. But he got it. And it’s a good look. Not for Lee. Lee still looks like an as**hole. But the other men were remarkable. By the way- I’d love to give Lee a list of what could be considered “inconsiderate”. Spoiler alert: racism isn’t on it.

6) Moving on please…. Kenny’s daughter is ADORABLE and I’m very glad that they’re going to Disneyland together. I wonder how they scored the tickets… (cough ABC is owned by Disney cough cough). Whatever, it’s still lovely.

7) Dean talks about his heartbreak while wearing polka dot socks, suspenders, a polka dot pocket square, a bowtie, and a patterned jacket. Live your best textile life, Dean! I look forward to seeing him on BIP. I hope this show doesn’t ruin him.

8) Fred is still clearly devastated that he and Rachel didn’t work out. I need someone to check on Fred. Fred- you’re ok!

(PS THE INTERNET IS AMAZING)

9) Oh right, Rachel came on too. I very much appreciated her early Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey approach towards DeMario, as well as what she said to Lee. I love you Rachel, I'm excited to see who you pick, and I'm even more excited to start rationalizing in my head why Bryan was the right choice, after all.

10) I think my big takeaway from this episode is that it looked like a lot of fun to hang out in that house. Lee aside, the guys all seem to really like each other. And I know it wouldn't make for good TV, but I wouldn’t mind watching them all be happy and fun together. Kinda like when my brother would have friends over in high school and I would sit at the top of the stairs and spy on them like an anthropologist taking notes on a foreign species. Boys!