The Call Of The Mild

First, let’s all just pour one out for the hardest working editing team in the business. The editors of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise have always been “creative” in their story-telling, but this season is a cut above them all.

Remember how Kenny and Lee got into a physical altercation where Kenny got a bloody eye? Remember how Peter almost left the show and Rachel cried about it? Remember how Rachel picked Adam (WHO??) over Eric?? Well, of course you don’t. Because NONE OF THAT HAPPENED- but they were trying their very best to trick us. And it almost worked…

Well, thanks Bachelorette editors for taking the opposite approach of the Mad Men edits of yesteryear. Anyone watch Mad Men? Remember how their “previews” for the next episode were just a series of 2 second clips with people looking surprised or drunk, or both?

Why such “creative” editing you might ask? Maybe because this season is actually…not that exciting…? They cast mainly cool fun dudes, and a racist. Turns out people weren’t crazy about the whole “racism as a plotline” part, and here we are, post- HatefuLee’s exit, and it’s looking pretty…. expected. When the guys are cool and fun and don't suffer from borderline personality disorders/meat fetishes (hey Chad!), the show is fun for me, (someone who played with barbies for a little too long), but not as exciting for the “I’m here for the drama” people. So, we’re stuck with this episode. Where Rachel has 6 guys left. And 2 of them are OBVIOUSLY going home.

Let’s get through this one quickly, shall we?

We begin in Switzerland. A country known for (as Rachel told us in one of her trying-out-to-be-a-tv-host intros) chocolate, watches, and…. (neutrality). She didn’t say that last part, but it goes with the theme I just set up. So, cool.

First one on one goes to…..the only guy I don’t want Rachel to end up. Bryan aka Bad Hombré. The other guys seem to be rocked by her choice. Me too, Adam, me too.

Rachel picks the perfect date for Bryan. One that is completely superficial with no depth. Is Bryan not the human equivalent of a Bentley? You see a Bentley on the street and you think, “Wow! That’s a Bentley- that’s a super expensive, fancy car. Gosh, I wish I could drive one of those.” And then.. you realize, it’s not quite what you expected. If I may indulge you fine readers- there was a time where my husband and I were going to be in LA for a few weeks and my husband’s friend generously offered up his car while he was gone. So of course we said yes, picked up the car, and found out that this friend drove a Porsche 911. “Wow!”, we thought. "A porsche! How cool are we??” Cut to five minutes later trying to stuff our suitcases in the non-existent trunk and non-existent backseat and driving around LA with a 10 foot barrier between us and any other cars on the road for fear of ruining this car that's more expensive than anything we've ever owned. Also my cousin said we looked like douche-bags when we pulled up in their suburban neighborhood to eat take-out and watch “Naked and Afraid”, but whatever.

What I’m saying is that Bryan is pretty.... and that's about it. There’s no there there. We also learned that Bryan’s mom will be the one deciding the future of their relationship*. And personally, I learned that my Dad thinks that Bryan looks like a, "not as cute or honest looking Ben Affleck”. If you look less honest than Ben Affleck, you’ve got a problem…

*Just want to mention that Bryan's whole story about the girlfriend and the Columbian wedding and the mom was one giant RED FLAG*

One last thing about Bryan- I know that the producers make them ask the question, “what did you think about today?” when today was 3 hours ago, but with Bryan in particular it seems to stand out, and it makes him appear to have the memory of a fruit fly. "Remember 2 hours ago when ‘you’ ‘bought’ ‘me’ this $4,000 watch?” “Remember that time 5 minutes ago when we clinked glasses?"

Their one-on-one date in the church with a thousand candles ends with an elegant and significant group of classical musicians serenading Bryan and Rachel while they kiss in their "special" way.

Next up is adorable Dean. Dean gets stuck with the lamest date of the week, and maybe of the season. Going to church and then being forced to mingle with parishioners afterwards. FUN! Sorry Dean, no Breitling watch for you. Just paper cups full of apple juice, and asking yet another slightly confused European couple how long they’ve been married. “400 years, ya!”

Dean has a super hard time “opening up” more to Rachel. I guess the stuff about his dead mother wasn’t enough. Rachel presses him but he really wants to talk about the tooth fairy, dinosaurs, and finally every man’s last resort, “you look pretty”.

Eventually at dinner, Dean reveals to Rachel that his family dynamic is no buéno. Again, this was very Sad. And I’m Sad that Dean has to deal with that. However, I think it’s important to see that not everyone comes from perfect families and that sometimes the people you love have complicated histories and that’s ok. That could provide an actual “after what we’ve been through” scenario that this show likes to manufacture so often.

“My father is insane” is > than “we willingly repelled off of that building and I was momentarily scared."

Next we have Peter’s dog sledding date. Peter is so good-looking it makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyone else? He just looks like a walking JCrew catalogue. Warm weather, cold weather, he always looks put together. His accessories, his salt and pepper hair… it’s… a lot...for me. Ok, this date is pretty standard, right? They’re either setting up Peter to “win” for sure, or to be the next Bachelor. Although, he might make the most low-key bachelor in history. We’ll see. Peter told Rachel about his last relationship which to me seemed like a monologue version of any number of Beyoncé songs. I think this is to set-up the popularly employed story on this show of “he wasn’t ready, but then finally, two weeks later he was!”

And next... the three-on-one in France where Adam tells us about how amazing his relationship with Rachel is and all of us watching at home are going,

Matt goes home. It looks like there was more to his story than we got to see. Maybe if we hadn't spent 4 hours watching Lee lift weights with cowboys boots on etc. etc. Oh, well. Bye Matt, good luck to you.

The evening portion of the date brings some very skilled editing wherein I was genuinely terrified that Rachel was going to pick Adam. Thankfully she didn’t. Eric continues to grow on me more and more. I love Eric. I love him! His Sad Story really gets me, but also I just like how kind he is with her and how he doesn’t seem to talk at her like so many of the other guys do.

Rachel finally sends Adam home. Rachel seemed really worked up about her decision. Clearly, Rachel needs a nap. Hopefully she’ll get one on the flight back to Baltimore, Miami, Madison, and Aspen.

And don't despair, drama-lovers, for I have a feeling the intrigue we’re missing may come whizzing back with the addition of Dean’s Dad. Who may or may not be this guy plus a beard and a purple turban.

Fingers crossed....!