EVERY ROSE HAS ITS RECAP

Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.  

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.  

January 25, 2018

We may have travelled to SOUTH Lake Tahoe on Episode 4 of The Bachelor this week, but the real place we all journeyed to—willingly or not— was inside the fractured chaotic carnival show that is Krystal’s mind. Welcome everyone to the closed down circus, to the rollerco...

January 20, 2018

“Today is gonna be fun because it’s going to be uncomfortable for all of us.” - Arie Lyeyeyeyndk Jr discussing his first group date of Episode 3, and unknowingly, the entire season of the Bachelor starring Arie Lyeyeyeyndk Jr.

We begin episode 3 with a clip of Bibiana d...

January 14, 2018

Welcome back, everyone. Let me start by apologizing for the tardiness of this post. You know when people say that if you really love something you can always make time for it? Well those people are wrong, because I really love the Bachelor, (see, this blog), but I was...

January 4, 2018

Start your engines folks, because away we go.

Welcome to this season of The Bachelor starring the new (old) Bachelor Arie Lyuyuyuyunkdkdkd Jr., former race car driver and current real estate broker. But don't be confused, dear viewers, by the plethora of racing referenc...

August 10, 2017

Well… Rachel picked Bryan. We sat through 3 hours of excruciating TV. The finale has done something to me that I never thought this show could do - render me speechless. I don’t have much to say, really. They broke me. Chris Harrison, Rachel, Peyore, and Bryan- you did...

August 3, 2017

The “Men Tell All” episode. Here we are folks. The penultimate episode is upon us. This part of the season feels like the “finish your dinner before you have dessert” portion. Fine! Let’s do this.

Chris Harrison welcomes everyone and makes a joke about how there was so...

July 26, 2017

We must be getting to the end of the road here folks, because the intro music to this episode sounded like the score of Gladiator or Inception. No offense to Hans Zimmer, but we’re just watching people with low body-fat and very symmetrical faces experience Stockholm S...

July 20, 2017

It’s time for hometowns, y’all! And boy, oh boy, has Rachel picked some interesting hometowns/families to see. We begin with Eric. I will now give Eric an award henceforth known as the “Second Impression Rose.” I've never experienced such a turnaround with a contestant...

July 12, 2017

First, let’s all just pour one out for the hardest working editing team in the business. The editors of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise have always been “creative” in their story-telling, but this season is a cut above them all.

Remember how Kenny and Lee got into a...

July 1, 2017

Back so soon? Yes, of course, it’s time for two more hours of following your heart and not your mind, because that’s not good advice but people on this show seem to really dig it.

We’ve moved from Norway to Denmark. Two countries I could totally pick out on a map. 

And w...

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