EVERY ROSE HAS ITS RECAP

Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.  

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.  

June 20, 2018

Why does this season feel particularly hard to watch, you may be asking yourself? Here's a theory - perhaps it’s the utter banality of the episodes mixed with the profoundly upsetting off-camera revelations about the “contestants”. I love this stupid show, but surely w...

June 14, 2018

Let me begin by “opening up” and “breaking down my walls” by sharing that my proclivity for genealogy shows almost destroyed this episode for me. In an almost too ironic twist, my DVR prioritized “Who Do You Think You Are” over The Bachelorette. Irony being, if my DVR...

June 7, 2018

We begin this chapter of The Book of Becca, Verse Two with a montage of our favorite Minnesota Sweetie riding a bike with a basket on it. Overlaid on top of the montage we hear Becca’s voice-over as she describes her intentions to, “chill out and ride the wave of this...

May 30, 2018

I named my Bachelorette Fantasy League Hakufrin Matata this year in honor of our latest ritualistic sacrifice/Bachelorette, Becca Kufrin. But the jury is still out on what kind of season this will be. I was hoping that after Arie Luyendyk-Hindenburg's epic fail, and Ra...

March 11, 2018

If you guys think I’m gonna recap all 5 ghoulish hours of emotionally reckless, manipulative, sadomasochistic treachery we were subjected to this week-

 -you’re right.

Except it’s gonna be real short. Because I think this show has finally broken me. At least until May 28...

March 2, 2018

Sunday night’s Women Tell All left us wondering if we could pull off wearing Baby Beka sized-earrings (answer: NO) and ALSO what Caroline was referring to when she powerfully and mysteriously told Arie, “I know what you did….” Well, after Monday's episode I think we kn...

February 23, 2018

Well, ladies and gentleman, we have made it to hometowns. This week we're given the chance to see inside the intimate home lives of our Top 4 contestants. And who are these special women? In order we have: The Girl Who Struggles With Death, The Girl Who Struggles with...

February 17, 2018

This post is late because I had a busy week and also because watching that episode was like a full-body leeching- wherein all of my life-force and joie de vivre was systematically sucked out of my body. That was some long-form Tuscan Torture, y’all. Way to f up the “ep...

February 8, 2018

And on the sixth week, the Lord created a delightful Parisian episode of The Bachelor, and they were glad.

We open in Paris, where the ladies are dressed and ready to take the city by storm. Or, in this case, by riverboat. Tia remarks on how “Parisian” the boat looks. I...

February 1, 2018

I'd like to begin with a threadbare car metaphor, because, you know why...

Imagine if you will, a crusty old jalopy cruising along the highway with no tires. How is that possible? How can such an old, busted car with no wheels continue to move forward? What is propellin...

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