Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.  

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.  

February 23, 2018

Well, ladies and gentleman, we have made it to hometowns. This week we're given the chance to see inside the intimate home lives of our Top 4 contestants. And who are these special women? In order we have: The Girl Who Struggles With Death, The Girl Who Struggles with...

February 17, 2018

This post is late because I had a busy week and also because watching that episode was like a full-body leeching- wherein all of my life-force and joie de vivre was systematically sucked out of my body. That was some long-form Tuscan Torture, y’all. Way to f up the “ep...

February 8, 2018

And on the sixth week, the Lord created a delightful Parisian episode of The Bachelor, and they were glad.

We open in Paris, where the ladies are dressed and ready to take the city by storm. Or, in this case, by riverboat. Tia remarks on how “Parisian” the boat looks. I...

February 1, 2018

I'd like to begin with a threadbare car metaphor, because, you know why...

Imagine if you will, a crusty old jalopy cruising along the highway with no tires. How is that possible? How can such an old, busted car with no wheels continue to move forward? What is propellin...

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