EVERY ROSE HAS ITS RECAP

Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.  

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.  

August 10, 2017

Well… Rachel picked Bryan. We sat through 3 hours of excruciating TV. The finale has done something to me that I never thought this show could do - render me speechless. I don’t have much to say, really. They broke me. Chris Harrison, Rachel, Peyore, and Bryan- you did...

August 3, 2017

The “Men Tell All” episode. Here we are folks. The penultimate episode is upon us. This part of the season feels like the “finish your dinner before you have dessert” portion. Fine! Let’s do this.

Chris Harrison welcomes everyone and makes a joke about how there was so...

July 26, 2017

We must be getting to the end of the road here folks, because the intro music to this episode sounded like the score of Gladiator or Inception. No offense to Hans Zimmer, but we’re just watching people with low body-fat and very symmetrical faces experience Stockholm S...

July 20, 2017

It’s time for hometowns, y’all! And boy, oh boy, has Rachel picked some interesting hometowns/families to see. We begin with Eric. I will now give Eric an award henceforth known as the “Second Impression Rose.” I've never experienced such a turnaround with a contestant...

July 12, 2017

First, let’s all just pour one out for the hardest working editing team in the business. The editors of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise have always been “creative” in their story-telling, but this season is a cut above them all.

Remember how Kenny and Lee got into a...

July 1, 2017

Back so soon? Yes, of course, it’s time for two more hours of following your heart and not your mind, because that’s not good advice but people on this show seem to really dig it.

We’ve moved from Norway to Denmark. Two countries I could totally pick out on a map. 

And w...

July 1, 2017

First let me begin by saying that 4 hours of Bachelorette content in one week might just be too much. Even for me. Or perhaps it wasn’t the quantity of content, but the content itself. Wowza, this was a rough two episodes. We saw so many guys go home. It was like the (...

June 22, 2017

We begin where we left off, since ABC refuses to properly end an episode anymore*.

*That’s Strike ONE against ABC executives this week and I haven’t even finished m’intro. 

Eric is telling Hilly Billy HatefuLee to keep his name out of his mouth. Seems like a legit reques...

June 8, 2017

We begin tonight's episode with a rare, but naturally occurring phenomenon called a Bro-Pede*.

*Bro-pede (noun) broʊ-pid: 1. A stampede of bros. 2. A gathering of bros walking in one direction. Commonly seen inside fraternities, those weird all-male golf clubs, and the...

June 1, 2017

Welcome back, friends. We begin Episode 2 with another meta moment as Rachel reflects on herself (literally, curling her hair in the mirror), but also on the events of last night. Joined by her dog Copper (with the yet to be acknowledged leg injury), she seems pleased...

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