EVERY ROSE HAS ITS RECAP

Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.

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Crazy Rich Sad Stories

As they’ll never let us forget for one moment, Colton’s season has been centered around “firsts”. As such, last week was the first time I didn’t write a recap for an episode since I started this website 500 seasons ago. (3 seasons ago omg) The reason? I was working and busy and didn’t feel like it. Also- this season isn’t inspiring me. So, this may be my last recap for a while. It’s not Colton, it’s me…. not finding Colton or the women cast to date Colton interesting enough t

Never Been Interested

Our second episode begins with some kind of weird video selfie of Colton talking to his phone, aka us, the audience, shirtless— let’s assume he’s also naked since we know he’s not a big fan of underwear. He’s in bed telling us that he’s excited for the day. Above his head is some crookedly framed “art” piece that hangs strangely not centered on the bed leading me to have even more questions about Colton's accommodations. Where is he staying? And why? The tile work in that sho

...One More Time

If you’re reading this it means you survived the bloated 3 hour premiere of The Bachelor. It felt to me like the TV version of the human centipede, or one of those infinity mirrors where you see nothing but your own face projected behind you for time eternal. Seeing the different contestants and “winners”, “hosting” in different “cities”- (LANSING???) was too much for me to handle. But why? Isn't this the logical continuation for a show that no longer attempts to marry peopl

Steal Me For A Sec

Hey, I'm right (reasons) here: