Once upon a time, I emailed a recap of each episode of The Bachelor to my 7-person Fantasy League. A recap they never asked for, but grew to love. Now, I send those same 7 people (jk it's now *11* people because THE SHOW'S APPEAL IS UNIVERSAL, Y'ALL) a link to *this* website. Understandably, it's been an exciting, turbulent time for them-- and for me.  

I'm pleased to invite you, person of the internet, to join us as we celebrate the 3000th season of The Bachelor franchise. Buckle up, everyone-- it's bound to a be thrilling, awkward, and unprecedented season. And while it will be surprising, it will also be entirely predictable- as the show has been using a fine-tuned algorithm since 2002. And like most things made famous in 2002- Kelly Clarkson, Claritin, The Bourne movies, my Sweet 16 at the local Hibachi Restaurant-- I'm never letting go.  

January 31, 2019

As they’ll never let us forget for one moment, Colton’s season has been centered around “firsts”. As such, last week was the first time I didn’t write a recap for an episode since I started this website 500 seasons ago. (3 seasons ago omg)

The reason? I was working and...

January 17, 2019

Our second episode begins with some kind of weird video selfie of Colton talking to his phone, aka us, the audience, shirtless— let’s assume he’s also naked since we know he’s not a big fan of underwear. He’s in bed telling us that he’s excited for the day. Above his h...

January 9, 2019

If you’re reading this it means you survived the bloated 3 hour premiere of The Bachelor.  It felt to me like the TV version of the human centipede, or one of those infinity mirrors where you see nothing but your own face projected behind you for time eternal. Seeing t...

August 11, 2018

Yeah, hi. Sorry this is late. I've been busy/disgusted. I’m not recapping this whole 3 hour not-eleganza depression-extravaganza. Category is: Obfuscating reality.

Monday’s episode was exactly what I feared from the beginning. And it managed to be even worse than I thou...

August 2, 2018

Ok, here’s the truth, the actual truth: I really don’t have much to say about this Men Tell All. You know it’s gonna be a rough night when Chris Harrison leads with a 25-minute Bachelor in Paradise “teaser” and then tells the audience excitedly that “David and Jordan a...

July 26, 2018

Finally, it’s down to the final three and finally we’re in an exciting location- Thailand. Becca’s first date is with Blake. They do their usual hump and greet and begin the day. On today’s menu? A hike through a sacred area to see a Buddhist monk, because why not. How...

July 18, 2018

Welcome to Episode 8. Otherwise known as Hometown Week. Hometown Week is amazing because it is so utterly predictable. It’s the same dynamic EVERY. SINGLE.TIME.* Every father is cautious but easily swayable, every mother is terrified and slightly drunk, and every sibli...

July 11, 2018

Welcome to the Bahamas, everyone. It’s Week Seven and Becca begins the episode by assuring Grandma Chris that she still gets butterflies when she thinks about the guys. Good to know the spark is still there after all this time!

The first one-on-one date goes to Colton....

July 5, 2018

Welcome to Episode Six where we learn that Virginia is for lovers. Did you guys know that? Because it is. It’s for LOVERS! LOVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aka the anti-Coltons of the world. Aka the anti- Skinny Perez Hiltons of the world. Not for virgins, not for fighters. IT’S...

June 28, 2018

This episode was a return to form. It had everything we needed- clunky Vegas metaphors, kissing on public transportation, Becca’s continuing costume parade of ‘looks’, and a very quick descent into madness from a contestant I’ve never much cared for. 

We begin Epis...

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